When working with children in the field of civil society, we often refer to the concept of "consent."
But is consent really a sufficient concept to understand all forms of daily interaction we establish with children (such as touch, care, communication, sharing public spaces, making decisions together, participation, etc.)? Are we able to build relationships with children that truly recognize and support their subjectivity? Is the issue in our relationship with children only about "getting permission"? Could approval be a key to transforming this relationship?
What kind of relationship do we build with children?
Efsun Sertoğlu emphasizes that every relationship we establish with children is also a power relationship. As adults, we hold a certain power over children's bodies, time, daily lives, and decisions. Therefore, the issue is not just to "get permission" from children; it's about establishing relationships that see children as subjects with their own boundaries, needs, and decisions, can perceive these boundaries, and respect them all.
According to Sertoğlu, one of the most important questions here is: How do we use the power stemming from adulthood? Is our intention to accompany children in their lives, guide them, and build safe relationships with them; or are we establishing relationships that ignore their boundaries, narrow their space, and devalue their decisions?
Why a culture of approval instead of consent?
Sertoğlu points out that the concept of "consent" is often used in the field of law, especially in the context of evaluating situations of violence such as sexual abuse and sexual assault; while the concept of "approval" provides a wider, more inclusive, relational, and empowering approach.
Stating that the transformation of the relationship between adults and children is only possible through a culture of approval, Sertoğlu emphasizes that approval is not a one-off permission; on the contrary, it's a culture learned, repeated, and internalized over time within relationships. She also underlines that the culture of approval is not merely an individual attitude but is directly related to the systems we establish, our language, and our daily practices: A culture of approval is not about asking a question and getting an answer; it is an intention and form of building a relationship.
This approach necessitates building relationships in which children can safely experience not only saying "yes," but also being able to say "no." And perhaps it raises the most critical question: When a child says 'yes,' are they really saying yes, or are they just doing what is expected of them?
Bodily autonomy: Not just about physical contact
We often consider the concept of approval in our relationships with children as limited only to physical contact. Yet, this is a much broader area that also includes bodily autonomy.
Bodily autonomy means that children have the right to speak about, make decisions about, and express opinions regarding their own bodies. This concept is directly related to the child's autonomy, self-government, ability to define and express their boundaries, and establish their personal space and privacy. It also includes recognizing and respecting the boundaries of others. Thus, the issue is not just about touch; it's about to what extent a child can be involved in decision-making about themselves, whether they can change their decisions, and whether what they say is considered valid.
For example,
- Does a child want to be in a photo?
- Do they know that this photo will be shared?
- Do they know they can change their mind after it has been shared?
- If they change their mind, is this decision implemented?
- Let’s say they agreed to join a game, can they leave that environment when they get bored?
The answers we give to these questions contain important clues about the relationships we build.
So how do we establish this culture?
Sertoğlu gives a clear answer to this question: A culture of approval is not something to be taught by explaining; first and foremost, it is a matter of relationship experience.
Children learn their boundaries and bodily autonomy through how they are treated. Whether their "no" is heard, whether their decisions are considered, and how much space they are given within relationships form the basis of this experience. According to Sertoğlu, children learn to respect both their own boundaries and the boundaries of others within safe relationships.
"A culture of approval does not mean leaving the child completely free or handing over all decisions to them. It does not eliminate the responsibility of the adult. On the contrary, it requires establishing a balance that ensures the child's safety without invading their space. An adulthood in relationships with children that does not neglect but also does not invade is possible.
What does a culture of approval mean for NGOs?
This discussion is especially critical for NGOs working in the field of children’s rights. Because the issue is not just what we do with children, but how we do it.
A culture of approval is not just an ethical principle for civil society organizations; it is also an approach that requires rethinking working methods. It is an approach that needs to be placed at the center of our projects, communication language, visual usage, and all ways of working.
When working with children, we often operate under the assumption that “we know what's best for children.” However, a culture of approval requires questioning this approach and seeing children not just as beneficiaries, but as subjects of the process.
And the first question we need to ask ourselves for this is: What kind of relationship are we really building with children?
This brings along the following questions:
- Do children really want to participate in the activities we design?
- When they participate, do we create spaces where they can change their minds during the process?
- Who makes the decisions about children’s representation in the content we produce?
- How possible is the right of children to say "no" in practice?
As Sertoğlu also emphasizes: The issue is not just about making space for children, but ensuring that space is truly safe, flexible, and can be withdrawn.
These questions become even more critical in communication and visibility work. A child agreeing to take part in an event does not mean they have consented to have their image shared everywhere. When approval is not viewed as a continuous and revocable process, the rights-based representation of children can be compromised.
For this reason, for NGOs, a culture of approval is not just about "getting permission," but about ensuring children’s participation in decision-making processes, recognizing their right to change their minds, and making all these processes transparent and understandable.
It's up to us to establish systems that respect children’s representation, approval, and boundaries!